Ask Agony Aunt Aggie for help and straight talking advice on any personal problems that you may be facing. A simple email could be the answer you are looking for, I am here to listen and help, and sometimes all that is needed is that personal touch. Send any emails to aggie@mixitupuk.com
Latest Update: Monday
27th April 2010
My
Abortion has put me off sex!!
I had an abortion and
now my boyfriend keeps hassling me
for sex. The truth is I'm still
upset but I'm also scared in case I
get pregnant again. I'm really cut
up about it, but all my boyfriend
cares about is sex. When I'm round
his house we have a nice enough time
until it comes to going to bed. He
then goes on and on at me for not
wanting sex with him. He has no
consideration for my feelings at
all. I can't stop crying and it's
like he doesn't care. If it didn't
work then what will make it work
next time? I know he's getting fed
up and frustrated and I'm a bit
worried he might find someone else
if I don't give in to him. The truth
is I just want to be left alone for
a while with no pressure. Why can't
he see that?
Aggie says:
Some men do find it hard to understand how deeply women feel about early
pregnancy and termination. From
their point of view none of it
feels very real. What his
reactions show is that he is
selfish and not making any
effort to understand how this
has affected you. Don't give in
to his pressure because you are
scared of losing him. Glassy
night out Two years ago I went
out to a Night Club for my
friend’s birthday, we were all
having a great night. I got
talking to this man, he brought
me a drink and then all of a
sudden this girl came up from
behind me pulled my hair and
smashed a glass bottle in my
face. I had eighteen stitches
and I am now scared for life. I
have lost all my confidence
because of a jealous girl. I
want to be me again without
having to worry about the state
of my face. I have been thinking
about cosmetic surgery for some
time now but I just can’t decide
what would you do?
Latest Update: Monday 16 March
My step sister bullies me in private?
My step sister is nice to me in public but bullies me in private - what should I do?
Aggie says: If your step sister is being nice in public but bullying you in private, it's really important to get the same sort of help as you would expect to get if you're being bullied by anybody. Bullying in any way is unacceptable and if you're being treated badly by your step sister it's important to get help from someone who'll make sure that it stops straight away. That might be your parent. That might be someone outside of the situation, someone at school for example. But someone does need to talk to your step sister and make sure it's not okay to treat you like that and it needs to stop right now.
My Mum in law... arrrgh!
I'm 21 and I have an 8th month old son with my hs sweetheart. We've been together for over 5 years now on and off. We recently got married 3 months before our son was born. My mother in law has always been the type to slyly meddle in my relationship with her son. Now that we're married I figured she'd warm up to me and accept me. There are photos all over her home of my son, my husband and his brother. Even my husband's best friend. But none of me. I'v even given her pictures of the three of us and she hasn't put them up. She's constantly buying my son food as if we don't buy him anything and whenever my husband and I get into a fight, he runs to her house and she fills his head with garbage about me. We live less than 10 min away. How do I confront her about the way she's interferring with my marriage and my son? Also, what do I do about the fact that she has not one picture of me in the house as well as telling my own mother I don't take care of my child?
Aggie says: Your problem is not with your mother in law, but with your husband. The fact that he runs to her house when you all get into an argument is very mama's boyish. Marriage counseling would do very well. Once he begins to put the marriage in its proper place, he'll be able to put his mother in her proper place. She may not like you still, but she'll at least respect your position as her son's wife.
Until then, there's not much you can do about your mother in law.
Tuesday 10 March
Monday 9 March
My sister is a Bully...
I'm the baby of my family and I've noticed that since I've matured and we've started going out more together I attract male attention. As I mentioned before, she's intelligent and is also still rather attractive and youthful for someone her age. However, I can't help but think that maybe she's suffering from the 'ex-beauty queen syndrome', 'eldest daughter must attract every man disorder', and one-up-manshipitis. She makes snide remarks after a guy at a club/cafe/on the street or wherever we are openly shows interest in me. Remarks like 'he only likes you because you're skinny', 'he's looking at you because you're young', and 'men will always look at a plain young girl before they look at a beautiful older woman' arent exactly comforting comments I want to hear from my big sister.
Aggie says: I would say to sit her down and have a conversation about how her behavior affects others, but I have a feeling it wouldn't get through to her. You could also call her out each time she says something. Like if she makes a comment about a guy checking you out, you could say, Sis, are you jealous? Another option is to just ignore her.
She's obviously got really really low self esteem. That's not an excuse to treat anyone the way she is, but you can't control how others behave. You can only control yourself. If she doesn't listen to you about your crushes, don't listen to hers. Distance yourself from her. And whenever she says something insulting, remember that it's more about jealousy and her insecurities than it is about you. Don't let her make you feel bad about yourself because if she's this jealous, then you must have some pretty great qualities to be jealous of.
I think i'm depressed
I dont want to tell my gp incase he tells my employer, what else can I do? I think my gp will make me see a psychiatrist and therefore medical records will be made about me. I don't wnt to loose my job or tell my employer but if records are made about me they will find out. Are there any other options to get help without the risk of anyone finding out...
Aggie says: It is very common for people that are suffering depression to feel this level of anxiety. The truth is that doctors can not discuss your details with anyone. The only reason that your employer would contact your doctor is if you were off sick for a long time. They may ask you if they were able to contact your employer to see if your condition will stop you resuming your postion. They can only do this will your signed consent. However, there are many other ways to get help when you are feeling depressed, which do not entail going through your doctor. You are able to see a counsellor on a private basis if you wish. Counsellors are also duty bound by their ethics which means everything is totally confidentual. In addition to this there are other holistic therapies, such as Accupuncture which has a proven track record for helping with depression and anxiety. Other therapies include reflexlogy etc. It could be that you are feeling anxiety and a qualified holistic therapist can help you with this. Please also note that it has been proven that a good exercise routine, ie just going for a long walk each day, as just a good effect as anti-depresants. I wish you well, please try some of these alternatives if you can and hopefully it will help you.
Thursday 5 March
My sister is a Bully...
Yeah she's a mean girl, she likes to make fun of people and make them feel bad. I thought she would have stopped by now, because just last week she got beat up by a girl she was teasing. Well it didn't make her stop, she's still being a bully. I'm worried that she might get beat up again someday. I've told her to stop being so mean to people, but she doesn't listen, my parents as well told her to stop but nope she won't. Should I just hope that she gets beat up again, and hopefully that will make her realize what she's doing is wrong? Well what else should I do to help her?
Aggie says:
Something is wrong or she would not be doing this.
She needs professional help.
You can try to talk to her , but she is going to have to learn to get along with others or she will have a very hard life. This is no petty matter and your parents need to intervene.
She needs emotional help and interpersonal skill training to be a success in life.
What a good sister you are to care.
I don't want an abortion
I'm 17 and 8-9 weeks pregnant. I have my first midwife appointment on the 25th February. My boyfriend and parents are basically forcing me into an abortion that I don't want because I KNOW that after it I will be a wreck. Sure abortion is for some people but not for me because I wouldn't be able to cope with the guilt. I am starting to get excited after booking my midwife appointment but my mum is trying to drum into my head that I can't have a baby, I wouldn't cope and the lot.
Aggie says:
I don't think that anyone can tell you what is right for you or whether or not you should have this child or not. No one has the right to tell you how you should feel about your own views on abortion or how you should feel about this pregnancy. If you know right now that it is something that you will not/can not live with, then you have to believe that you know what is right for you. Some women can cope with an abortion, some have them and it bothers them, some don't think about it very much afterwards - we're all quite different. You are the one who will be living with your decision. Trust yourself to make the right choices for yourself.
Wednesday 25 February
Has my sister joined a cult?
How can I know whether or not my sister has gotten involved with a cult? I admit they’ve done her a lot of good, but it’s a fairly small denomination and I don’t know anything about them. She says they believe in Jesus, but I’m not sure what they mean by that.
Aggie says:
If she is involved in a cult, you need to know this and urge her to break her ties with it, because cults can be very harmful to a person’s emotional and spiritual health.
As opposed to massive, highly organized and vastly wealthy religious institutions that rely on your sheep-like devotion and contributions to keep their irrational message alive and thriving in what should be an enlightened age. However, just because her group is small and not as well known doesn’t mean it is necessarily a cult. Find out more about your sister’s group — and if Christ has truly changed her life, be thankful for it.
Monday 23 February
My boyfriend does not trust me
He was hurt in his last relationship, and now all he does is accuse me of cheating on him. After 2 years i'm only wondering if it is ever going to stop. Is there anything I should be doing!
Aggie says:
Unfortunately because of someone else's mistake you're being accused of a "crime" you didn't commit. This is not about you, but about your boyfriend's insecurities. In fact, in general, if your partner out of nowhere starts accusing YOU of cheating- they're probably the ones actually doing the cheating. You need to sit down and talk with your boyfriend. You need to explain to him that his lack of trust is hurting your relationship and you don't appreciate being accused of something you haven't done. Explain this to him. If he gets it, good. If not, you'll probably have to move on- he's too insecure to have a real relationship right now.
Good luck.
Tuesday 17 February
Grow up sister
She's 19 next month, and talks to my mum sooooo bad. Shouting at her for not buying the right food or drink, although my mum pays for her busfares, cigarettes, etc. My mum tried giving her money to buy meals etc, but she bought a KFC and spent the rest of it. I'm so angry, I just dunno what my mum can do. I have suggested kicking her out, but nope :( btw im 20 in april
Aggie says:
You sister will have a huge wake up call when she is in the real world. Your mum puts up with her, so it isn't going to stop. As spoiled and rotten some kids are to their parents, the parents seem to put up with it..... I don't know why but I have seen horrible behavior from kids to their parents or I should say young adults because they are older and act like 5 year olds. Your Mum should cut her off, no money for anything and let you sister learn to treat your mum with respect.
Friday 13 February
Help! I
do not like my sisters boyfriend?
I'm really close with my older sister and we're like best friends. We even live together, just the two of us, but now shes been dating a guy for a couple of months and I really tried but I don't like him at all. But shes completely in love and I don't wanna do anything that might hurt her feelings. What should I do?
Aggie says:
Don't do anything. It's not your busy to interfere whatsoever with the relationship.
I would just deal with it. In fact, I wouldn't like it with my girlfriend's little sister was annoyed with me. Try talking to him and you might find something to like about him.
Tuesday 3 February
My Boss is a Bully...
Friday 30 January
Dear Paula, I am being bullied by my boss at work and don't know what to do about it. I'm afraid to give up my job as I might find it hard to find another what with the recession. I am a single parent and sometimes have to take time off if there's a problem at school or my child is ill.
Whenever this happens, my boss really takes it out on me and makes me feel really guilty. I seem to get all the most boring jobs dumped on me and get dirty looks whenever I take time to go to the toilet and I don't see this happening to anyone else. It's making me really miserable and I'm finding it hard to sleep and worrying constantly about what's going to go wrong next.
Aggie says:
It's no consolation, but you're not alone in this. One person in five has experienced bullying in the work place and it can often be difficult to prove. After all, if you say something like "well, he/she gives me dirty looks", people think you're making something of nothing and as for the boring jobs – well, it's part of the job description isn' t it?
This person may be really not be aware of how unhappy you are being made to feel. Really, this should always be your first step in situations of this type. Grievance policies will state that this should be your first approach and if this does not lead to a satisfactory outcome, then your manager's line manager is the next person to approach.
Whatever you decide to do about this, don't give up your job. It's always easier to find a job whilst you are already employed, so if you can't make the situation work for you, start looking around but don't let yourself be pushed out.
How do I deal with my chatty, nosey co worker?
I can't take it anymore!
Aggie says:
If you don't answer her questions and tell her pointedly that you don't want to discuss something, odds are she'll bother someone else. Some people tend to bully others. With them you have to take a harsher stand with. Set your boundaries and stick with them. If she is still intrusive, see if you are the only one having the problem. I'll bet that you aren't. If you and and a few others can bring this to your supervisor's attention, odds are great that you'll get some action. If that doesn't work, ignore her as much as possible. You are paid to do your job--not to listen to her. If that doesn't work, ask for a transfer to another department, if possible. If that doesn't work just hang in there. Odds are she's probably a non-performer and will eventually move on.
Thursday 29 January
Your Problem:
My ex has been cheating on his girlfriend of 2 1/2 years with me. This has been going on for 1 1/2 years. He says he doesn't love her and since she lives 2 hours away their relationship isn't going to change. However he always has the same response when I ask him about us getting back together: he doesnt know because he isn't convinced that we'll work. I don't know what to do. We have an 11 year old son together. Should I tell his other girlfriend and provide evidence or should I stick it out?
Aggie says:
He will never leave her for you. I have been with a man for the last five months in the same situation and thank God, I woke up and realized that he's just using me to keep busy while he can't be with her. If he was going to leave her..he would have by now. And look at it this way...if he's doing this to her with you...he would do it to you too.We spend a lot of time trying to convince ourselves that it's different, but in the end, all of their promises and sweet words never changed anything.
Monday 26 January
Your Problem:
My housemates keep asking me to pay the bills because they have no money. Should I refuse and just pay my share?
Aggie says:
If they have only asked you to pay it a couple of times, then there is no harm in helping them out if they are struggling for money. However, if they keep on asking you to pay, then you should either refuse, or ask them to pay you back. Think of how well you know your housemates. Are they trustworthy? Can you be assured that they will pay you back if you agree to help them out by paying these bills? If you don't think that they will, then do not pay it. Even though you are sharing a house and you don't want to have disagreements, it isn't fair that you have to pay their share because they have no money. You don't want to feel like they are taking advantage of you, and if you do feel like this then you should refuse and suggest that they sort out their financial problems. If they won't agree to this and keep expecting you to pay then they obviously aren't the right people to be living with and you'd be much better off being with someone who you can trust.
Thursday 22 January
Scared of death...
Monday 29 December
I'm really struggling to deal with the death of my grandparents. About a month ago my grandmother died after a long illness. We knew she was dying and although she stayed with us a lot longer than any of the doctors predicted she would, her passing still hit everyone in the family hard. I've never seen my mum so upset and it really effected me. It really scared me realising how life short is - my gran was only 64, and now all I can think about is death. Im scared of loosing more people, mostly of losing my mum or my dad. I'm scared of what would happen if there was ever an accident and I was killed - what would my mum do? I worry about my mums sister who has tried to kill herself in the past, and I worry if she did it again, and actually did kill herself, how my mum would react. My whole life has been taken over by a completely overwhelming sense of fear of death. I'm so nervous and scared of everything. Everytime I read about something sad in the news, I get scared thinking- what if that had been my mum or my dad. What worse, is I also just lost my grandad a week ago. I haven't reacted at all. I'm not even numb, it just hasn't effected me and I dont know why. Im carrying on as normal and it worries me. I just feel like Im on auto pilot at the moment and Im just so scared of all the people around me dying. help.
Aggie says: You have my deepest sympathies to lose grandparents so close together has got to be devastating for you the hurt you feel will pass in time for now though it will be hard to get through the days when the loss of you grandparents are still very raw in your head and in your heart. Something you might like to do just as a thank you to your gran for showing and sharing with you so many things especially the making of cards xmas is just around the corner why don't you make your own xmas cards and with every one you make tell your gran and grandad this is for them and you can also put in a small inscription inside the card: MADE IN MEMORY OF LOVING GRANDPARENTS. For your family to recieve these cards would be a lovely gesture from you and they will keep the cards as a cherished memory of something that was passed onto their grandchildren you gran and granda's memory's will live on through you and many others it is always a nice and touching thing to do and may help to take your mind of certain things.
I don't trust my girlfriend
Wednesday 17 December
I have been seeing this girl for about a year, and she’s my first proper girlfriend. She tends to flirt. I know that in the past she has slept with nine people, three of them being one-night stands. I can’t get this out of my head and keep blaming her for it. I don’t mention anything to her but it’s tearing me apart. I constantly have bad feelings towards her, and think she’s a slag.
I myself have had many one night stands and have never respected the women I’ve slept with. I want to respect her, but find it so hard. All I think about is the men she’s slept with and if she’s had one night stands then what’s to stop her doing it to me. She also told me she has cheated on a previous boyfriend, this angers me too as she may do this to me! Recently she went out with one of her friends for the evening, I didn’t sleep at all as I was up all night thinking about how many men she was flirting with and how many guys were chatting her up. This is a problem because she is very good looking and even when she’s with me gets chatted up and she doesn’t do anything to stop it, she just flirts with them...even when I’m there. This drives me to the conclusion that if she does this when I’m there then what would she do if I weren’t there! Please help as this is driving me crazy.
Aggie says: Okay, you're a guy of 25 and this is your first proper girlfriend. You've had a lot of 'one-night stands' and you seem to have feelings similar to disgust for the women you went with. Perhaps,like many blokes, you thought it was 'different' for you, because you’re male! To be frank, you are in such a state about your girlfriend and her past relationships (not to mention whatever she may be getting up to at the moment) that I do not think the prospects for your relationship with her are good. Maybe you should just consider trying to find a steady relationship with someone who you could trust fully – and whose past 'track record' didn't disturb you so much.
Your Problem:
I am so sad today because I heard my ex was with his new love and her kids at a family celebration and happy. Now I’m missing him even though I know it was right for me to leave. Now I’m not sure if it’s my fault? Was it my inability to cope with change? My depression? I’m still, sad.
Aggie says:
It is probably hard because you may have had some good times at the holidays and are remembering these. It takes time to get over it. Also, you are using the word "new" love. Unless he has been doing some major emotional changing, I bet it won't be long till she starts seeing the same ugly problems he had while he was with you. I hope you will be privy to this information, if I am correct. It will help you know you didn't make a mistake.
Thursday 11 December
So Forgetful ...
Monday 8 December
This morning I went to get money out and I couldn't remember my pin number, even thought I use my card 2 times a week. and I keep forgetting conversations i've had with people. I'm on tablets for depression (endep), could it be that? or do I have some sort of brain degerneration disease.
Aggie says:
Endep is an old antidepressant. IT doesn't usually work very well but some doctors presribe it because it is cheap and other doctors don't know better because they aren't psychiatrists. It is sometimes prescribed for insomnia.
If you are depressed, see a real psychiatrist. New antidepressants have way less side effects and work better.
It is probably the depression that is affecting your memory. That symptom is called "thought blocking" and is pretty common.
Also, if you multitask or have a lot of things on your plate, you will forget things. If you are stressed out or are going through a worrisome time in your life, you might have your mind elsewhere and forget stuff.
DOn't worry. Just slow down some, get some good sleep (at least 5 uninterrupted hours per night), and consult a psychiatrist for a medication change.
Been there, done that. Hope you feel better soon.
They're so nosey...
Friday 5 December
It's like I have nothing to do with them , but I can see them gossiping away about me and stuff and try and make me feel uncomfortable, are all parents like this in schools or is it this school which has some rather nasty parents, also Iam the youngest parent there and I think they are all jealous.
Aggie says:
Yes im sure all schools have this problem. while most stay at home mums have super busy lives, some people really don't have anything better to do than gossip. If you stay away from them and do not gossip, theres a good chance they are threateaned by you because you have better things to do than sit around gossiping. It doesn't help if you are younger/prettier than most of the mums they will get jeleous and try to bring you down. There's a good chance they are uncomfortable and are making themselves feel better by putting you down. Like Marylin Monroe said "let them say what they want, if they care about what I do then i'm already better than them anyway"
I want to have babies...
Thursday 4 December
I am 23. My husband and I have been married going on 5yrs and have been together about 7yrs.
He has a kid from a previous relationship who might have a slight speech disability. He is nervous about having another kid because he feels the child will have mental problems.
I told him not to worry so much and that I would love the child regardless.
He has a couple of other concerns such as the financial issue of a baby and I'm really trying to ease his mind about the whole situation but I don't want force him into something he doesn't want to do (that's what happened into the previous relationship). I need advice...
Aggie says:
a baby deserves to have TWO supportive parents. If he is that nervous about having a baby, all you can do is give him time. how old is the other child? if its still young, then maybe he just needs to wait awhile longer and see that everything will be ok.
you can't force him into it, as you said, so if he doesnt want to have a baby willingly, maybe you need to rethink having one or find a new relationship with someone that wants to also have a baby.
My Mum Lies...
Monday 1 December
My mum lies too much. It's so bad now that I can't see my friends as they keep congratulating me on the fake storys my mum has told them and not going along with the lies makes them aware she's a liar. I don't wanna hurt my mum by confronting her.. So what should I do?
Aggie says:
Your Mum isnt considering how damaging her “little white lies” are to you. You need to let her know how its effecting you. Heres a suggestion for how to do it.
Try the “Sandwich Theory.”
Start the conversation with a compliment or positive affirmation. (this gets thier attention and lets them know you care)
Then express how her lies are affecting you. Just tell her how embarrassing it is when confronted by friends. Ask her kindly to stop. (now that you have her attention, be careful with your words. Try not to sound like your attacking. Be short and sweet. Direct, and to the point. Otherwise you’ll loose her attention)
Then finish the talk with another positive affirmation. (This will let her know that your not too angry with her, that you are giving her the chance to do right.)
This method can be used with your child, other family members, coworkers….etc….
How can I face work colleagues?
I was out with my colleague's drinking from early afternoon to midnight, and lets say i was very drunk so were others there. The problem is that i kissed one of them in the back of a car while getting dropped off at home, the man i kissed is married, i feel guilty and its not something i do regularly, there was five of us in the car, i couldn't even remember doing it until the driver (friend) told me!Im dreading going into work on monday as i don't want them all to be talking about me and think bad of me.
Let's just say there's a lesson learnt there. What shall i do?
Aggie says:
It seems you've learnt from your mistake, first thing on Monday, go up to this colleague and apologise, it was a mistake ,a silly one and you are bold enough to admit this, make sure one of these same colleague who witness your oops, witness your bold act, if you can, do so in a lighthearted manner, you want them to recognise that oops wasn't intentional, just a silly mistake that happened because you were drunk.
Wednesday 26 November
My daughter is driving me absolutely mad...
Tuesday 25 November
I hope you dont mind me having a moan but im really at the end of my teather with my eldest daughter! She is 19 we have never had any problems until recently . A couple of months ago her and her boyfriend of 3 years called it a day and since then she as been a nightmare! She ahs started to go out clubbing most nights and not returning home until 5-6am in the morning!
She as now no job !! and decided to steal !!!! a few weeks ago she stole £50 from some money we had in the house !! then she stole on 2 different occasions £40! But the worst thing she did was steal my mini bank card out of my purse. She denied taking my card and even gave me verbal abuse for accusing her! I rang the bank to report it stolen and they told me some withdrawls had taken place near by so i knew it was her. I told her the bank had advised me to contact the police which must havd frightened her so she admiited to stealing it. Her behaviour is putting such a strain on my marriage and my health as anyone any good advice?
Aggie says: You poor love!! Ok Although she is an adult, she is still living under your roof and you are still supporting her!- i think some solid ground rules need to be drawn up. She will probably huff and puff but she needs to learn respect and consideration for others in the house. If she doesn't stick to it then take her door key from her and tell her to stay at her friends if she is going to come home at that time in the morning. Also reduce financial support so she is not able to go glubbing as much.
About the stealing thing, i would threated her with the police and if it continues then have them talk to her. I kow it sounds harsh but sometimes it's a fright like that they need to snap out of it. Best of luck huni and i hope things improve soon
Thursday 20 November
I'm not jealous of my twin sister
I'm so fed up with people thinking i'm jealous of my twin sister. We went out on Saturday and I got a bit too drunk. I can't go out much because I have a baby, but she's always out. She knows loads of people, so while she was talking to all her friends, I sat by myself trying to recover a bit. Some boy said 'you wanna smile love, just because she's getting all the attention and you're not, your jealous! I would be too if my sister looked like that' and laughed. I'm not jealous and it hurts when people put me down, i'm so depressed. How can I prove to people i'm not jealous?
Aggie says:
Hi, I see where you are coming from, my mum is a twin and people always used to comment on how great it must be. She said it has fewer pros than cons. You see, like you her sister got alot of attention and had a lot of friends due to the lifestyle she lead where as my mum had a house and babies to look after, that was her choice and now even in her later life my mum remains a very private person with just a small circle of friends. There is nothing what so ever wrong with that. You needn't take other peoples comments to heart, just be sure to enjoy the time you do get out, life's too short. You know you are not jelous of your sister and why should you be, you are both beutiful in different ways. I know I'm not jealous of my sister or my friend, that doesnt mean occassionally I dont wish that my life was a little more like theres. As they most likely do, yours.
Friday 14 November
My brother needs to go Rehab?
I am wondering how i could get my brother some help? He is 28 yrs old, and he took a turn for the worst. Ever since our dad passed away a yr ago, he has been drinking all the time, and in to heavy drugs! He has always drank often and done drugs here and there, but now hes into it bad.
Aggie says:
Sorry but, its now time for tough love, he is 28 and responsible for himself. You and your mother can talk to him until you're blue in the face and it won't do you any good. A drug abuser or alcoholic is not going to get rid of the problem until they are ready. When your brother is ready to get rehab he will let you know.
Then and only then will he succeed with rehab. Until then you have to watch him go down until he hits bottom, but try to be there when he does want your help.
Good luck.
Tuesday 4 November
Help Me...
I have recently taken up a new role within a large company. Having been at my previous organization for 20 years, it is all very new for me. My new boss is younger than me, and very domineering. I’m not sure why, but he seems to have begun a systematic campaign to erode my confidence, but in the subtlest of ways: my professional decisions are quietly over-ridden; he often excludes me from team communications; and occasionally makes jokes about my age in front of my colleagues.I mentioned my concerns to him once, and he expressed surprise and regret. He didn’t discernibly change his behaviour, however, and now the situation is starting to sap my self-belief and assertiveness, and I am also beginning to doubt my own abilities. I wanted to resolve this problem without confrontation. Do you have any advice about how I could go about turning this situation around?
Aggie says:
Well, in the first instance, you mentioned to your manager that you were not happy with his behaviour and that is EXACTLY the right thing to do.Seeing as he has not changed his behaviour I would recommend that you start to take more formal steps to sort this situation out. Tell you manager that if it does not stop, you will take your grievance to your HR department and will put in a formal grievance about your manager. Hand a list of the behaviours and allegations over to your manager and tell him why it’s not acceptable, what you find offensive and ask them to stop it.
Your Problem:
I am so sad today because I heard my ex was with his new love and her kids at a family celebration and happy. Now I’m missing him even though I know it was right for me to leave. Now I’m not sure if it’s my fault? Was it my inability to cope with change? My depression? I’m still, sad.
Aggie says:
It is probably hard because you may have had some good times at the holidays and are remembering these. It takes time to get over it. Also, you are using the word "new" love. Unless he has been doing some major emotional changing, I bet it won't be long till she starts seeing the same ugly problems he had while he was with you. I hope you will be privy to this information, if I am correct. It will help you know you didn't make a mistake.
Monday 3 November
Thursday 30 October
Help Me...
Please don’t judge me after reading this letter. I How can you get me and my sister to stop fighting? Every time I do something she yells at me, I yell back then she goes to my mum which makes everything ten times worse! Mum yells at me and says "She older than you so be quiet!!!" I need help, I mean she always picks on me and I’ve had ENOUGH!!! She is so mean... omg I can’t live with her. I WANT HER TO MOVE OUT!!!! I’m falling apart and get so emotional and yes I’m younger than her she's 20 and I’m 17... I seriously can't take it anymore and want it to stop!!
Aggie says:
Well you cannot control what your sister says or what your mum says. But you can control what you say. Let her say all the mean things in the world to you; you’re not four years old anymore. Words don’t have to hurt. She’s just trying to get you mad so prove her wrong. I guarantee you she will give up eventually.
Wednesday 29 October
Your Problem:
Well I am dating a couple of guys, nothing serious just getting to know them. They both though know each other and I didn't know this when I started dating them. Anyway one of the guys has asked me out in a committed way, i guess he wants me to be his girlfriend. The other I don't see myself with, so hes out, problem is I'm not sure how to fix the situation??
Aggie says:
My suggestion is you need to be upfront and honest. If they are your friends they will understand. Just tell them that while you had no intention of hurting them that you are sorry and hope to stay friends. Although they might be hurt at first they should be fine. Don't drag it out you need to tell them soon. The longer you wait the worse it will be.
Tuesday 28 October
I've got an std...
Please Help....I have been seeing this married man for 2 years and he now has a baby on the way. I know its wrong but please don’t judge. I went to the Gynaecologist and I may have vaginal cancer, to top it all off my test results came back with positive with oral herpes. I don’t sleep around and I'm sure this married man sees me and his wife only. I don’t know if my cheating bf from gave it to me. I gave the married man oral sex and may have transmitted it to him.... what should I do?????????
Aggie says:
Married men who have affairs with young girls are more than likely having affairs with other women as well. It’s possible you contracted the STD from the married guy. You should call him up & tell him what the doctor said because babies born to mothers with herpes can be born blind, and with an array of other birth defects. She will need to be put on medication to prevent an outbreak during labor & delivery to avoid this. I am sorry about the cancer. I hope that you can resolve this issue, and that the man fesses up to his wife in order to protect their baby. Another thing, you might want to prepare for he possibility of the married man dumping you sometime between now and when his baby is born. A lot of men who are cheating on their wives suddenly feelings of empathy for cheating after they see their wives give birth and have a baby in their lives. Suddenly they are different men. I hope that this does in fact happen, but if it doesn't then he is really a piece of crap and not worth keeping anyways.
Not sure he still loves me?
I don't think my boyfriend loves me anymore. We have been dating for 2 years and live together. Sometimes I really don't think he loves me at all anymore.
Our 2 year anniversary is next week. I want to be with him for the rest of my life, and that was the original plan but I don't know if I can stand this feeling of being under appreciated and unloved for too much longer. What can I do to get him to look at me like he used to?
Aggie says:
Hi dear, I can understand what you’re going through. It’s hurting and stressing, especially because you love him.
I can say anything but at the end of the day it’s up to you to decide what to do... Follow your heart; do something that you won’t regret at the end. Let me tell u something, nothing hurts more than to break up with something though you still love.
You should try to rebuild your relationship as it won’t build itself. Communication is the best medicine for relationships.
Tell him how you feel and if that fails or nothing changes then I’m afraid you should give up
Saturday 25 October
Friday 24 October
I'm drinking...
All my life I think I’ve been a really awkward person. Probably always shy, well compared to my outgoing twin sister, but more lately I’ve been really aware of it.
I’ve started to get insanely jealous of confident extrovert people because I’m such an introvert, and it’s reflecting on everything. I keep freaking out so much, crying every night about it, and drinking a lot to try and forget and feel better about it all. I cant see how anything is going to get better. Please help me, I don’t know where to start, I’m so painfully shy and awkward, i can’t do anything about it. I really really want to change this.
Aggie says:
Sweetheart, for starters don't turn to drink. You need to get that under control as it won't help anything. You’ll drink alcohol to feel good and act like someone you're not. I used to feel the same as you do. I always felt uncomfortable in front of groups and friends because I didn't believe in myself that much. Therefore I came across as a bit weird and awkward to talk too. Conversations didn't last that long because I didn't have anything of interest to say! LOL. In the end I thought, "Oh well" people should love you for who you really are. I’m sure you've got other star qualities! Perhaps me and you should get together up and be awkward together! Lol!
I'm Flat Chested..
Hi, I would like to know why some of my friends have big breasts and I am so flat chested. Is there anything I can do to improve situation?
Aggie says:
It's really easy to be critical of your own body isn’t it? There are so many images of celebrities who are promoted as having the "perfect" body so that's what the rest of us feel we're supposed to look like! The truth of it is that bodies come in all shapes and sizes and what's considered beautiful one day might be completely out of fashion again the next..... If your breasts don't get much bigger they'll be in proportion to the rest of your body, after all if you are naturally very slim you'd look a bit peculiar with enormous breasts! For every Pamela Anderson out there with large bosoms there are also lots of beautiful small chested girls like Keira Knightley... You’ll be able to wear clothes and bikinis that girls with big breasts could never wear, there are advantages and disadvantages to having small breasts but I promise you that if you can see the good sides of having them and feel positive about them then so will people around you! Perhaps spend some time talking to friends who have large breasts and ask them what they think about it, you'll probably find that they can see lots of advantages to having small breasts. I hope that helps!
Thursday 23 October
Latest update: Tuesday 21 October
Proving my dad innocent..
My dad went to prison 4 years ago accused of sexual assault on a young girl. He is due to come out soon and although I no he is innocent I am so afraid of what people are going to say or do to him. I know he didn't do it but how can I prove it?
Aggie says:
It breaks my heart that you have to deal with a situation like this. There is no way for you to prove it. The only ones who know the complete truth are your father and the girl.
If he is innocent, how did he get convicted and sentenced to four years? People are going to say mean things, but if you believe your father, then you will have no problem defending his character, if it is needed.
But remember, you cannott protect him from others comments and actions, you have no way to control that, he is an adult, he will have to face those problems himself.
I Still love my ex!
SO there’s this girl (we’ll call sue), not just any girl, she’s my ex. She’s with someone else now who has asked us not to talk anymore, but I know she still cares about me.
I can move on, but I don’t feel like her place in my heart will ever be healed. It’s just so easy to still be in love with her, but it’s easier still to want her friendship. I want to stay in love with her.. I want her to take me back. She still trusts me, cries over me, and dare I say she still loves me. The only thing he has over me is that he’s there with her, and I’m a while away. I believe I’m the better man. I just can’t talk to anyone about this..
Aggie says:
If she truly loves you and you guys were meant to be, then she’ll leave ‘Bob’ and you guys will be together. If, however, she isn’t willing to let ‘Bob’ go, well…then she doesn’t love you as much as you think. And, as they said, if you truly love her you’ll let her go. Just keep in mind, what’s meant to be will always find a way. So you never know! It may not happen now, but you never know what the future is going to bring. So always have hope. And if this thing between you and ‘Sue’ doesn’t work out, there will always be another.
You should leave ‘Sue’ alone for a while so she can figure out who she really wants to be with.
So, hope all goes well for you! =]
Friday 17 October
I hate my job!
I went to college to better myself for a better job. It has been over a year and I have not found a new job yet. I feel like I wasted my money. And I am sick to death of my job. I hate finding a new job because it may be just as bad or worse. What can I do?
Aggie says:
It's no picnic to go to a job that you can't stand every day. You can't help wondering, "Why did I spend all that money on college, or study so hard, if I'm still working here?" However, instead of being stuck with feeling stuck, take action!
Breaking the job search into smaller steps can make it more manageable.
Searching for a new job can take some time and a lot of effort, but finding a job that meets your goals and excites you is worth it. Keep this in mind: you made it through college so that you could find a better job. Commend yourself for that. You sound like you have a lot of determination. Aunt Aggie hopes you find a rewarding position in the near future.
Good luck!
Thursday 16 October
I really want to have an abortion!
Do you think it is possible to have an abortion without my boyfriend knowing? I think I might be pregnant and I do not want to have the baby. If I tell my boyfriend, he will not approve. Is it possible for me to have one and not tell him about it? Do you think that when we do resume sex, he will notice? — I really need to KNOW!!
Aggie says:
Yes, it is possible to have an abortion without your boyfriend knowing. You will be instructed by your medical provider not to have penetration, vaginal sex, and receptive anal or oral sex for two to three weeks after the procedure. This is critical, since you may be bleeding during this time, and microorganisms can get more easily into the reproductive tract under these circumstances, creating risk for infection.
Your challenge will be to figure out how to explain avoiding sex with your boyfriend during this time. Of course, this may not be a problem, depending upon how often you spend time together, how close you live to each other, and how frequently you have sex. Perhaps you could arrange the procedure, if you need it, to coincide with a vacation or trip you would take on your own.
As for your question concerning whether it is possible for you to have an abortion and not tell your boyfriend about it, it seems that only you can answer that question. Physically, there would be no way for your boyfriend to know. But only you know whether or not it is possible for you not to tell him. If you are thinking of your boyfriend as a long-term partner or possible husband, you can consider this: trust is basic to this kind of relationship. In that case, what would it be like for you to keep this information from him? What if he finds out later? What if there were complications? At what point might you tell him, if at all?
Wednesday 15 October
I'm adopted!
I'm almost 17 and I want to be independent, but my mum is so intrusive and it's getting on my nerves so much. I'm quite reserved and I kind of keep myself to myself, but I do try to keep her involved with my life and tell her about things. But that isn't enough for her. She keeps asking me really personal questions, goes through all my stuff and reads my texts and msn conversations history! Am I overreacting? How can I get her to stop being nosey without her feeling like I'm trying to shut her out completely?
Aggie says:
As long as you live under her roof you will never have privacy. Your mom isn't meaning to treat you like a child. She is making sure through snooping that you're not doing drugs or making bombs. She's just making sure that you're not doing something you shouldn't be. Your sister is actually her hired investigator trained to sell you out with the drop of a hat. Can't you tell I lived through it? Except I had a little brother.
Tell them honestly that you don't want them to keep looking in your room. Don’t be mean, just say 'I don't mind you coming in my room sometimes, but if you're going through my things it makes me feel as if you're invading my personal space.'
Be smart, don't do anything stupid that could endanger your home life. Your mum works too hard to raise you kids right. She just wants to make sure her sweet girl is being a good girl. Rather she trusts you or not, she loves you. She loves you so much that she spends her spare time trashing your room to make sure you're still keeping with the good crowd. Don't be offended with the no privacy. You'll understand when you’ve got a 15 year old girl. This is called tough love. Good luck!
Wednesday 15 October
Tuesday 14 October
Am I gay...?
I have a problem. I've never considered myself gay, but I have begun to care for my best friend a little more than I think I should. I get jealous when he finds a woman he likes, and begins going out with her, and I have become very protective of him, since he is a few years younger than me. I don't know if I am just a little jealous that he is able to find someone, and I am not or if I am gay and am beginning to like him in that way. When I think about it, he fits my idea of my perfect mate. And I often wonder what his penis size is. Help me. Do you think I am gay, or just suffering from jealousy and penis envy?
Aggie says:
Your friend is someone with whom you spend lots of enjoyable time. Whether or not you are sexually attracted to him, it stands to reason that his spending lots of time with others, for whatever reason, would generate feelings of jealousy.
The only person who can answer your question, "Am I gay," is you. As you explore the answer, it might be useful to honestly reflect and examine whether you have similar attractions to other men, and if you allow yourself social opportunities outside of your best friendship. If you decide to "branch out," however, your best friend's switch may not be the one to flick. You are the best judge of how your friendship would fare if you communicate your feelings. As frustrating as it may be, you might try to spend some time with other people and activities when your friend's time is otherwise occupied.
I'm adopted!
I am adopted and I just found out who my real mom is should I be concerned that she never thought about me, should I get to know her, should I get more info about her so I know why she did not want me...
Aggie says:
You don't have any evidence at all that your biological mother didn't think about you. Often a mother who has opted to have her child adopted is doing that so the baby has a better chance to live a quality life. It is often an act of love. The mother usually continues to think about that child, wonder how the child is progressing, what the child looks like and what characteristics the child has. Often there is a great deal of guilt over giving up the child - guilt, regret and sorrow.
If you decide to learn more about your birth mother, please keep an open mind about her. You have absolutely no idea what she was faced with at the time she gave you up, and quite possibly you can sympathize with her once you know her reasons. Again I urge you, please make this decision with an open mind, and at the very least be prepared to listen to her. If you do decide to meet her, give it a chance. It will take some introspection to decide whether it is best to try to meet your birth mother of leave it alone. Personally, I would want to know the truth, regardless of the consequences.
24 and Cant get a job!
I am a 24-year-old with a degree in geography.
My question to you is: Why can't I find a job? I've tried hard enough and have written 500 letters in total. I have had only a handful of interviews as a result of these letters and have, in short, got nowhere.
Am I a freak? I am beginning to despair of ever having a career. Please advise me.
Aggie says:
Finding the right job is mostly about knowing what you want to do. I would suggest you read "What Color Is Your Parachute" in it's latest addition, as there are some valuable insights into how to narrow down what you want to do, workwise.
At this point, I would not look "inside" for possible reasons why you've not got jobs, but instead focus your energy on figuring out what "good" job you want to do, and pursuing that.
It may be useful to find out more about anxiety, so you can maybe make some changes in your life to improve your success.
Friday 10 October
Thursday 9 October
My mum doesn't like my boyfriend...
I have dated my boyfriend for 10 months but my mother doesn't like my boyfriend, because he is not a local. I'm a Chinese Malaysian and my boyfriend is Filipino. My mom doesn't like Filipino because my dad was also a Filipino and he cheated on my mum. My mum doesn't want me to follow her footstep by choosing the same race as my dad. But I Love my boyfriend very much and also he have a good and high education. I tried so many times to explain this to my mum that he's different to dad, but my mum just can't accept it. What shall I do?
Aggie says:
Your Mum got hurt by your Dad in a way we may never understand. At least, we pray we never feel the pain of a love betrayed. Anyway, she associates that pain with his race. Not a wise or clever thing to do, not even a rational thing to do, but that's the upshot of it.
She's projecting her personal pain on to an entire race of innocent people. You've got to realise that you can't do anything about her prejudices. So, even though it's very difficult to do and it may cause you a great deal of pain, if you love your boyfriend as you say you do (and I've no reason to doubt you) then you have no choice but to go against your Mum's wishes and keep seeing him. But don't do it in secret. Make sure your Mum knows you are seeing him. Have him hang around, keep him in her face - there may come a time when she gets so used to having him around and she'll forget what race he is and start appreciating him for the person he is.
My friend Stole from my sister.
My friend slept over and is also friends with my sister. I had to go to bed before them because I had work the next day and when I woke up my sister told me that she had caught him rummaging through some clothes in her room and when she asked what he was doing he told her he was watching her pet snake (which was also in her room) and later when she asked again he just shrugged and said he was out of it. When she checked her room she found two pairs of underwear missing. What should I tell my friend?
Aggie says:
walk up to him and say " oh my sister said that she wants her underwear back."
Embarrassment should work. Im sure your sister does not want them back as you've no idea what he's done with them. But at least he is aware you both know, which should let him know not to do it again.
Failing that don't allow him to sleep over anymore.
Tuesday 7 October
Monday 6 October
I hate my Step Dad ...
In a nutshell, I hate my stepdad. Well, HATE is a strong word, so let's just say I highly dislike him.
My mother met him about 5 years ago, and they got married a year later. He was nice to me and my sister during their courtship, but since he married my mum he's turned into an ass. When I had my 25th birthday he told me I must be a dyke because all his daughters were married by then. He always compares us to his daughters who are all married. My sister has a weight problem and he calls her fat and a slug. He convinced my mother to kick her out while she was still in college. Every one else can see this except for my mother. What can I do? I've already told my mum but she doesn’t want to listen.
Aggie says:
Your mother is a grown woman and can make decisions on her own accord, regardless of how unfortunate those choices may be. What you must do as a precaution, however, is to keep an eye on your Mum to ensure that she's not on the receiving end of appalling emotional or, God forbid, physical abuse from this tyrant. Have a sincere chat with your mother, just the two of you. Take her out to lunch and have a calm exchange. Don't make accusations. Instead, give her the opportunity to reflect on it. The wisest course of action to take, however, would be to seek professional counselling. Good luck on this.
My Best Friend Stole My Boyfriend
My best friend stole my boyfriend from and she thinks that she has done nothing wrong and I don’t know what to do.
Me and my boyfriend were together for 2 years I went away for a month and now he won’t talk to me or anything and then I find out from my other friend what they have been up to.
Aggie says:
Ok so I got two problems with your question.
Now it's obvious that u aren’t describing a BEST FRIEND here. Best friends do not steal their best friends’ boyfriends.
And it's also obvious here that you are not describing a REAL boyfriend either. Real boyfriends can't be stolen from their girlfriends.
So, what do you think your conclusion should be? And what do you think your actions should be?
Yeah... you are right.... A NEW BOYFRIEND and NEW BESTFRIEND. Don't even give the old ones a second thought, they are not worth it.
Sunday 5 October
Saturday 4 October
Your Problem:
My dad has married my best friend's mum. How will this affect my relationship with my friend?
Aggie says:
It's tricky when a parent get's together with a friend's parent. Sometimes that really can divide friends because they feel that they don't want to be as close as that, or they might not want to live together, or it might be a lovely thing and bring friends closer together. It really depends on how well you get on with your friend, how well you get on with your friend's mum, and how comfortable you feel about them all being together. It also depends largely on how long your parents have been separated, and how you felt about them going their separate ways, and how your dad and your friends mum have got together. If you do need to talk to someone independently, then you must do that and make sure that you're staying emotionally okay and your needs are being met, and it might not always be the best thing to do to talk to your friend directly about how they're feeling because you're involved in the same situation and she might be, or he might be, more protective of their mum and you're obviously going to be more protective of your dad, so if you're having difficulties with each other's parents it might be better to get help outside of that friendship to find ways to deal with it.
Friday 3 October
My Best Friend is Pregnant
Omg! I’ve just found out that my best friend is pregnant with my maths teachers baby. This has come as a complete shock to me because I had no idea they’d even slept together! She’s really worried because her parents will just freak out n she’s also really worried about his reaction when she tells him. She keeps asking my advice but i haven’t a clue what to tell her! Help me!!!!!! What should I tell her? Should I report him? She’s 16 so she’s legally allowed to have sex with him but is it just illegal full stop? Help me please thank you Zelda x x
Aggie says:
I'm not sure about 16 year olds being legal when it comes to having sex with an adult. I think you're wrong on that issue. There is no hiding the situation, however, your friend needs to seek a counsellor and report this matter AND talk to her parents about it as well. There is no shame in being honest and taking a stand.The problem lies in her telling the teacher she's going to 'tell' their secret. He is in for legal ramifications, not her. Depending upon religious background, she'll have the baby, give it up for adoption, or opt for abortion. I doubt the teacher will marry her or even loves her. You read about this stuff in the papers and see it on the news--make her get safe help and not tell her teacher a thing! she needs protection from responsible adults, not the TEACHER. Be safe and responsible--but most of all, BE CALM.
Thursday 2 October
I want to leave home...
I am 18 years old and live with my mother and younger siblings. My father died earlier in the year and he was our primary caregiver. Now my father is dead and we are living with this woman that screams at us all the time. I don’t want to leave and leave them with her.
I would like to take at least 2 brothers with me. Ages 16 and a 9 year old that she screams at all the time. Is there any way I can get custody of them.
Aggie says:
You, of course, can leave any time you want, but you are frightened for your siblings. First find out whether you are legally allowed to adopt? What you will need? Your financial resources, living arrangement etc...
You have some setting up to do, in any case. As with any adoption there is going to have to be a termination of your mother’s parental rights. Depending on where you live, she can either voluntarily seek this, or it can be sought by a governmental agency (like child protective services) or a mandatory reporter of abuse (therapist, teacher, etc.).
Your 16 year old brother may be old enough to emancipate if he satisfies the requirements needed. This might get you around the termination of parental rights aspect for him.
For next steps, google “relative adoption” in the UK, ask as many questions as you can on every 0800 number they have. Good luck
Your Problem:
We've been together nearly 4 years, but he just doesn't make me happy. And if I'm honest with myself, he only really made me happy in the beginning. But, I'm still in love with him despite that fact. I want to break it off with him but I'm so scared that I'll regret it if I do. I'm scared he'll move on too quickly and that would just crush me. I know I need to make a decision, but it is proving to be very difficult. Any advice?
Aggie says:
You might regret it but only because you got used to him. Same thing as hanging out with a friend everyday for a few months and suddenly that friend disappears so you're lost. As for being worried that he might move on too quickly, that would only mean that he wasn't into you that much anymore that he was able to forget you. It will be difficult at first after the break up but you'll see a positive difference after a while. Good luck.
Tuesday 30 September
Monday 29 September
Your Problem:
My boss jokes about my large breasts; he thinks he's being funny but I find it embarrassing. I don't want to get him into trouble - but how can I get him to stop?
Aggie says:
Even if your boss is not intentionally cruel or louche, if his comments make you feel uncomfortable, and he is too wooden to notice it, there is no doubt that he is an insensitive and ill-mannered lout. He is also offending against the laws governing employment as well as decency. This could be expensive.
I find your lack of desire to involve him in serious trouble commendable, but your own kindliness shouldn't mean that you have to put up with his ill-judged and obviously unwelcome remarks.
I've been in this situation, too: a friendly colleague who regularly crossed the line. I resolved it by abruptly drawing a conversation to a close whenever he went too far, or dropping my smile - my discomfort was communicated inoffensively, the boundaries became clear and we remain friends.
Thursday 25 September
Help Me...
Please don’t judge me after reading this letter. I How can you get me and my sister to stop fighting? Every time I do something she yells at me, I yell back then she goes to my mum which makes everything ten times worse! Mum yells at me and says "She older than you so be quiet!!!" I need help, I mean she always picks on me and I’ve had ENOUGH!!! She is so mean... omg I can’t live with her. I WANT HER TO MOVE OUT!!!! I’m falling apart and get so emotional and yes I’m younger than her she's 20 and I’m 17... I seriously can't take it anymore and want it to stop!!
Aggie says:
Well you cannot control what your sister says or what your mum says. But you can control what you say. Let her say all the mean things in the world to you; you’re not four years old anymore. Words don’t have to hurt. She’s just trying to get you mad so prove her wrong. I guarantee you she will give up eventually.
Tuesday 23 September
Your Problem:
I have a problem that has caused me to lose several potential relationships. Whenever I meet a guy and it seems obvious we both want to get to know each other more, I end up giving him the wrong signals and he thinks all I want is a one-night stand. I don’t know what I do wrong, but any tips would help.
Aggie says:
Maybe you need to take the “Breakfast Not Included’’ sign down from over your bed.
I mean, really—what signals are you giving him? Are you one of these people who get freaked out the next morning and suddenly “have to be somewhere”? Do you hand out condoms at the bar? Look: if you don’t want it to be a one-night stand, don’t sleep with him on the first night. If he still wants to see you again, he’s obviously interested in more than one night. A second nifty tip you might want to try: tell him you’re not interested in a one-night thing. It’s direct and honest. I know, a strange concept for most of us, but amazingly effective. Try it; you might like it.
Monday 22 September
Your Problem:
I met this guy in January and we spend a fair amount of time together (we talk on the phone nearly every day, so clearly he likes my company, right?), but we never seem to do anything except end up in bed together. Sometimes, he’ll rent a movie and bring it over, and very occasionally, we’ll grab a bite to eat, but it hardly feels like dating. How do I know if he is just using me for sex?
Aggie says:
How do you know if he is just using you for sex? Hmmm... That’s a toughie given how completely obvious it is, but let me see. I’d say the odds of you having the makings of a deep, meaningful long-term relationship is, well, a little slim. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t care for you and you for him, but call me crazy—I think at least some part of dating should occur vertically, possibly even in public. Of course, it could be that he only knows how to express intimacy through sex and may not be capable of expressing his deep love for you any other way, but I suspect this will wear thin after a while. In the end, I don’t think your question should be whether he is just using you for sex, but “Can I continue to be involved in a relationship that is based on physical intimacy as opposed to emotional intimacy?” If you can’t, you need to get him out of bed and into a chair where you can talk to him about it..
I Fancy My Sister In Law
Please don’t judge me after reading this letter. I am a 35-year-old man, happily married with two kids. I love my wife and she loves me, yet I find myself sexually attracted to her sister. Her sister and I love to talk dirty to each other as a game and never cross the line. She stripped for me as part of a private poker game (all in fun nothing more happened). I am not sure how my sister-in-law feels, but I dream of her every day and think of how great the sex would be and want to get it out of my system. Don’t tell me I am sick or a pervert. I know if we have sex once, it will be the last time. What do I do?
Aggie says:
The fact that you ask me not to judge you or call you sick or a pervert tells me you’re feeling a little guilty. So I don’t have to judge you—you’re doing the job for me. And I hate to break it to you, guy, but talking dirty and stripping naked for someone is something. So don’t tell me nothing’s happened. I don’t know what kind of relationship you have with your sister-in-law, but I hardly ever get naked with my brothers-in-law. As far as I’m concerned, you have crossed the line. What do you think your wife will say? (And she will find out.) “Oh, I understand, honey... you had to get it out of your system?’’. Of course, you can’t stop thinking about having sex with this woman. It’s like smelling french fries. Even if you’re not hungry, you want them. You might keep eating until you finish the whole plate.
Cool your jets, tell your sister-in-law to cool hers and go figure out why you’re not satisfied with your wife’s french fries.
Your Problem:
I am getting really mad with my dad because I think he’s cheating on my mum. I want to catch him out. I’m 18 and discovered by chance he deletes his mobile messages and calls on a daily basis. I was angry about this as I know he has so much to hide. I had a quick snoop on his computer and I hit the jackpot. He has visited one woman several times and it said what he had done to her and she to him. I’m not impressed. I don’t want to upset my mum but I’m worried about what all this will do to her and our family. I am disgusted and angry and wondering whether I should confront him or tell someone else.
Aggie says:
It is hard to judge a relationship from the outside. You do not really know how much your mum knows or how she feels about your dad and you could cause more trouble than you realise by telling her. Your dad is the person you have the issue with and it’s your dad you should talk to. Of course he may dismiss your worries or tell you to mind your own business, so be prepared for that reaction. Have a quiet word once. Then accept that it is their marriage and you cannot be responsible. You have more than enough to worry about in your own life at your age. Focus on your own goals and relationships, not theirs.
Your Problem:
Well I am dating a couple of guys, nothing serious just getting to know them. They both though know each other and I didn't know this when I started dating them. Anyway one of the guys has asked me out in a committed way, i guess he wants me to be his girlfriend. The other I don't see myself with, so hes out, problem is I'm not sure how to fix the situation??
Aggie says:
My suggestion is you need to be upfront and honest. If they are your friends they will understand. Just tell them that while you had no intention of hurting them that you are sorry and hope to stay friends. Although they might be hurt at first they should be fine. Don't drag it out you need to tell them soon. The longer you wait the worse it will be.
